I won’t be rushing out to buy an Black Eyed Peas albums anytime soon, but it was definitely worth seeing them live.

They played a good sampling of the Santana catalogue including ‘Evil Ways’, ‘Jingo’, ‘Singing Winds, Crying Beasts’, ‘Black Magic Woman’, ‘Oye Como Va’, ‘Smooth’, ‘Into the Night’, ‘Maria Maria’. The rest I didn’t recognise or didn’t know the title because it had no lyrics. They also played a great cover of ‘Sunshine of Your Love’.

It also turns out that Carlos Santana is engaged and introduced us to his fiancé who performed a five minute long drum solo. Good times!

She went back and notified them of this little gaff. They were happy to issue a new licence at full price, but first they needed a new picture for the new licence. That makes three photos in total: one for my “gender identity disorder” licence, one for her “psych” licence, and one for the “real” licence.

I must admit, it’s a very creative way to generate additional revenue to offset cost overruns due to inefficiency. Someone must have extended their business lunch to two or three hours to come up with that gem of an idea.

It’s funny; the letter never said to check the picture. So I went down to the SAAQ this morning to let them know that I had indeed found a problem with my licence. They seemed a bit surprised, which is good; I wouldn’t want to think this happens all the time. Now everyone is up to speed and it’s time for a new picture. This is when I’m told that before they can take a new picture they’ll need to see some photo ID…

…I guess that’s because they wouldn’t want someone walking around with, say, someone else’s picture on their driver’s licence. It’s a good thing the SAAQ is there to nip these things in the bud.

The day started unenthusiastically with sleeping in and leaving about an hour late. By 11:00 we were out of the apartment and on our way. We decided to stop at McDonald’s and cash in a free iced coffee coupon. The restaurant was short staffed so we bailed and decided to give it another try in Red Deer. The first excitement of the day happened as we turned onto the freeway. There was a loose bucket in the road which I dodged around with rally car skill. We were supposed to be in Banff for 3:00 so we decided I had better speed. (I usually do anyway)

We made good time to Red Deer where we stopped to get our iced coffee’s. They were terrible. Christine had thought that even if the coffee at McDonald’s wasn’t very good, they should at least be able to make decent iced coffee. She was wrong. If they could find a way to deep-fry the coffee, maybe that would be something they could be good at.

As we were coming up on Calgary I asked Christine to check the map to see if we could take a secondary highway around the city. She couldn’t find the map. I had counted on having the map. With no map, we drove into Calgary. It was now 1:30. We were making good time. We turned onto the Trans-Canada Highway (16 Ave) only to find that it was undergoing construction. Forty minutes later we were out of the city. We weren’t making good time anymore.

It was about this time that I started to have to go to the bathroom. No matter. One hour shouldn’t be a big deal. By the time we get to the park gates things were getting more serious in the time department and the bladder department. The park gates. I hadn’t factored that in. $20 and 15 minutes later we’re through the gate. I was doing the seat jive almost constantly by now.

We pulled into Banff just after 3:00. Not too bad. There’s a sign: “Banff Avenue closed for bike race. Use detour.” That doesn’t sound good. So onto the detour we go. Well, it turns out that Banff road infrastructure does not handle road closures gracefully. We start following the detour around the town of Banff. My bladder is now approaching critical mass with no sign of arriving at our destination soon. We stop at a red light and I look over and see a hotel across the street. “I’m going to that hotel to use the washroom.” “Chris, stop!” But I don’t stop. I open the door and run.

I catch up with Christine a few blocks later. She is not pleased. Now that I can think clearly, I don’t blame her. I apologise profusely, but inwardly I know that I would do the same thing all over again. It’s now 3:30, so I call ahead to the hotel and explain our situation. They say that they will hold our reservation, but we need to arrive by 4:00. After that they stop serving afternoon tea. Another ten minutes go by and we decide to split up. I will start walking and whoever gets there first can order the tea. We’ve been stuck in traffic in Banff for 40 minutes.

I get out and walk down the block to the corner. As I’m waiting for the light to change (a very slow light I might add) so I can cross the street to get out of town (the only street out of town), cars start moving and Christine drives by! I wave frantically, but she doesn’t see me. Later I find out that she hadn’t thought that I would only be half a block away. I settle in for the hike and arrive at the hotel about 15 minutes later. I find Rundle Lounge and slide into my chair at 3:59.

The afternoon tea was fantastic. They have their own tea blend which was very good. It was served with a fruit bowl (actually a fruit martini glass), salmon and cucumber finger sandwiches, scones with Devonshire cream and jam, various pastries and desserts, and my favourite, crème brûlée. By the time we were finished, all the trouble in arriving was forgotten and we had had a fantastic time.

Oh, and the view was pretty good too. We took a few pictures then headed back home. (But not before I opened the trunk to put a bag in and found the map!)

A short play-by-play:

Day 1 began at the crack of dawn. We got up, had some breakfast, and I wrestled to mount our bike rack to our trunk. We shellacked ourselves with sunblock and headed out.

On the way I had a look in the rear-view mirror and saw the front fender of my bicycle which is 100% plastic construction flapping madly in the wind. So at the next red light I popped out and pulled it off and we’re back in business. We hit a few good bumps getting onto the highway, but everything seemed alight. Christine kept saying something about stopping and fixing the bike rack, but I though it was good. Besides, we were almost at Nisku. I had another look in the mirror and promptly pulled over. The bike rack was barely hanging on…so I tightened all the straps and away we went. As we got closer to Nisku I asked Christine if she thought my front tire was still on. We couldn’t see it from inside the car, but she assured me that it must be still there. By the time we parked at Richie Brothers Auction House, where the bike tour was to start, I was convinced my tire had fallen off on the highway. We got out…and it was still there.

We met up with Joni and Susan, our riding buddies, who had conveniently parked three spots down from us and made our way to the main building. I decided to ride my bike over and was informed by a friendly passer-by that my rear tire was flat! All that time worrying about the front tire…wasted.

Fortunately United Cycle had a repair booth set up. They replaced the tube and I was good to go. I made sure to tell the guy to put lots of air in. I needed as much help as I could get!

We got into the queue and we were out of the gate at 8:30. On the way to the first checkpoint we met our first hill of the tour. I powered my way up to get ahead of Joni and Christine so I could get a picture of them coming into the first checkpoint. That would be the first and last time I finished ahead of Christine or Joni. It felt like I was pulling a plow for the first segment, so I decided to check the air pressure on my rear tire…it was rather low. I guess Buddy couldn’t have been bothered to give it a good fill. No matter, I pulled out my trusty hand pump and put all I had into filling that tire. We were back on the road, although I still thought things were a bit frictiony in the peddling area. At the next checkpoint I had a look at my front tire…the brakes were rubbing the whole time. So I thought I would let the United Cycle boys have another crack at it. The guy loosened my brakes and trued the front spokes. Apparently the tire was wobbly as well.

Back on the highway, she peddled like a dream. I felt like I was cycling on a cloud. United Cycle was back in my good books. That didn’t keep Christine from pulling ahead of me after every checkpoint, but we remember the small victories.

We stopped for lunch in Wetaskiwin, which was great, because I’d never stopped for lunch in Wetaskiwin before. I was starting to feel the effects of the ride. We were at the day’s half-way point, but my butt was at the finish line. From what I understand, it breaks all the laws of physics and the natural order to make a comfortable bicycle seat.

The rest of the ride that day was fairly uneventful. I tried rather unsuccessfully to keep up with Joni and Christine while keeping blood circulating to my bum.

We arrived in Camrose 6.75 hours later, 4.75 of which was cycling. That put us right at 20 km/h for the day, which I was happy with. Any thoughts of celebration were soon quashed when I realised I had to go back the next day and that our car was in Nisku.

We had much needed showers and headed for supper. Dinner was delicious. The dessert table was full of cake and pies and squares and ice cream. They didn’t have vanilla. Dinner was followed by speeches and presentations and a dance with a live band, the Kick It Brothers. KIB started things off with a heartfelt cover of the J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold”. We stayed for a while, but left after it became apparent they weren’t going to play any Rick Springfield.

We spent the night in one of the Augustana Campus dormitories. As far as I could tell from the map, the whole campus was made up of dormitories. Maybe they bus out for classes.

Day 2, we were up at 5:00. We re-applied copious amounts of sunblock and headed over for breakfast, which thankfully contained sausage. We retrieved our bicycles and headed for the day’s starting line. I suddenly had a glimpse of what cattle must feel like when being funneled to be slaughtered. I knew that what was ahead wasn’t good, but I couldn’t stop, so I resigned myself to my fate and pushed off.

The ride was considerably easier than I feared and I was able to keep up with Christine and Joni for the first half of the day. We made friends with some nice dogs at the first checkpoint and I tried my hand at taking pictures of the country-side while cycling…with mixed results. Actually, the results weren’t mixed. They were quite bad.

We stopped for lunch in Hay Lakes, which was great, because I’d never had lunch in Hay Lakes before. The second half of the day was considerably more difficult, but I pushed on, taking it one checkpoint at a time. By the last checkpoint, I didn’t have much left, but my desire to not be beaten by my own wife kept me going. Those delusions of adequacy soon faded away as she faded away in the distance on the last leg of the tour. By the last 10 km I was starting to become delusional. The 5 km marker kept changing from 5 to 3 and back to 5 again. It wasn’t until I passed the 4 km marker that I realised, with great disappointment, that it was the 5 km marker after all.

I crossed the finish line with mild acknowledgement and stopped next to a girl who asked me if I wanted a carnation on my helmet. I stared at her blankly, to which she responded by sticking an MS carnation badge on my helmet. I was done. We finished day 2: 98 km and 4 hours of cycling for an average speed of 24.5 km/h.

We partook in the barbeque, gathered our luggage, and made the long trek back to the car. I didn’t remember the parking lot being so mammothly large the day before. Once again, I did my best to mount the bike rack and the bikes and we were off with visions of a shower and soft bed dancing gleefully through my mind. As I was pulling off the highway into Edmonton I had a look in the rear-view mirror. Christine’s bike was half off the rack. I pulled over, tightened the straps, and we were off… Good times.

Visit our photo gallery of the tour by clicking the photo below.

You can see this book in my library here.

★★★★★